Search Movie Review Archives

It took a budget of $54 million to come up with this? That's the thought that kept going through my head as I watched "Gigli"; that, and a lot of other, far more unpleasant thoughts and ideas for ending the lives of certain persons involved with the project. First on my hit list: writer/director Martin Brest, who gives us a double whammy by not only dragging his movie out to an excrutiating length, but further enhances our torture by supplying us with some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a feature film (and yes, I did see "Dumb and Dumberer"). Next up are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, two stars whose love of publicity seemed to spell doom for the movie before it was even released. If ever the two should happen to work on another project again, let us hope it's a "Traffic"-style flick where they never once encounter each other face-to-face. God knows, we have enough magazine covers for that already; who needs another feature film? ***

In case you haven't noticed by now, I hated "Gigli" as much as I hate any film deserving of the no-star rating. No stars would actually be paying this a compliment; oh, to go lower, if it were only possible. To watch the film is to recognize a whole new level of bad filmmaking: there are movies that suck from premise to final product, but you still manage to find some effort on the part of the filmmakers to at least try and put something out that's worthwhile. "Gigli," on the other hand, has no conception of this theory: it is a sloppy, misguided, totally beguiling cross-breed of romantic comedy, crime thriller, and mobster movie, all seemingly made with the intention of achieving more eye-rolls and moans from the viewer as humanly possible in a running time of just over two hours. ***

First, the plot: Larry Gigli (Affleck, whose in-and-out accent is about as believable as his performance), a big-city thug with a penchant for idiocy on the job, is hired by his mob boss to kidnap the mentally challenged younger brother of a well-known political figure, in hopes that a ransom will keep him out of prison. Larry agrees to the job, but is hesitant when Ricki (Lopez) shows up on his doorstep, an insurance policy of sorts sent by the boss to make sure that Larry doesn't screw things up again. So goes the basic outline of the plot, but oh, it gets so much better. Turns out, Ricki's a lesbian, thus ruining any chance of Larry putting the moves on her or bringing her around to his side of the fence. Or so he thinks, anyway. She's domineering and tyrannical, and to put it mildly, she has more testicles than Larry has brains. But wouldn't you know it? Soon enough, they start making eyes at one another, and pretty soon they're hitting the sheets in what has to be the worst love scene of all time. ***

The collosal failure of "Gigli" can be attributed to many things, none more looming than Brest's inept script, which gives Lopez a situation in which she casts a come-hither look in Affleck's direction, opens her legs, and utters the words, "Turkey time! Gobble! Gobble!" And no, she's not talking about a traditional Thanksgiving feast, either, folks. You should hear some of the stuff that people say in this movie: an exchange between Larry and Ricki concerning which sex organ is more superior is simply too ghastly (and gratuitous) to repeat here, and for the rest of the film's duration everyone pretty much swears and screams at one another to no avail. Such moronic writing only serves to deepen the wounds of the film's plot, which is hammy and ludicrous from the first frame. And thirdly, the casting is a mess: we don't buy Affleck or Lopez in these roles, and when together, they have no chemistry at all. Maybe it's due to the fact that their much-hyped relationship was just too much after about 100,000 tabloid articles and publication covers, or maybe they just couldn't pull it together here. In any event, "Gigli" is perhaps the debacle to end all debacles, and even if you're into that sort of thing, be forewarned.

Presented in both widescreen and fullframe formats, "Gigli" benefits from having no substantial extras to crowd its disc space, and looks great on DVD. The 2.40:1 aspect ratio is anamorphically enhanced, and features excellent color saturation with rich, vivid hues, accurate fleshtones, and solid blacks throughout. Contrast is in good shape, and shadow detail looks very nice, while clarity is sharp with crisp edges and an overall lack of enhancement halos. The source print is clean and there is almost no film grain to speak of, making this a near-flawless transfer of a completely flawed movie. ***

The audio is mastered in Dolby Digital 5.1, and registers as a pleasing sound experience that only serves to bleed your ears throughout the picture. The score and songs sound great, with lots of surround engagement and some .1 LFE enhancement as well. Dialogue sounds natural and remains centered, and sound effects, although miniscule, are imaged nicely.