|
What, I ask you, would be accomplished by humiliating
your high school classmates during a graduation speech?
And I mean other than making everyone hate you. In “I Love
You, Beth Cooper,” valedictorian Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust)
uses his final speech as an opportunity to say what he has
been longing to say ever since his freshman days, none more
important the five words that make up the film’s title.
***
Other than her, he mentions no one else by name; he
only alludes to specific people by describing obvious character
traits. You can be sure that everyone knew who he was referring
to, and that brings me back to the question I posed at the
start of this review. When you use your graduation as a
platform to put other people down, you should not be surprised
when they get very angry at you. ***
“I Love You, Beth Cooper” opens on a wrong premise.
The entire film is wrong. On every level imaginable. It’s
not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not even remotely engaging
or clever in its approach to the story. It’s a brainless,
mean-spirited film that treats comedy like a second-class
citizen. ***
It’s appalling that it was directed by Chris Columbus,
who once proved he could be entertaining with such fun fare
as “Home Alone,” “Mrs. Doubtfire,” “Rent,” and the first
two “Harry Potter” films. For “I Love You, Beth Cooper,”
the Directors Guild of America should have done him a favor
and resurrected that old standby Alan Smithee, a pseudonym
for directors who didn’t want their real names attached
their films. ***
Having been embarrassed in front of the whole graduating
class, Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere) and her dimwitted
friends decide it would be funny to go to Denis’ house,
where he and his friend, Rich Munsch (Jack T. Carpenter),
host a pathetic post-graduate party that absolutely no one
wants to go to. Does Beth like Denis? Not really. But she
does find him amusing. ***
Her boyfriend, a testosterone-pumping, cocaine-sniffing
military brute named Kevin (Shawn Roberts), does not find
him amusing at all. In fact, he would like nothing more
than to slowly and painfully kill Denis, preferably when
it also involves the destruction of private property. Hoping
to escape Kevin, Beth takes Denis and Rich on an all-night
road trip in her mini hatchback. Maybe “road trip” isn’t
the right term – Beth has the driving skills of a chimpanzee.
***
Along the way, Beth and Denis begin the process of
getting to know one another. More accurately, Denis tries
to survive Beth while she stands back and watches him continually
make a fool of himself. I guess we’re supposed to sympathize
with her somewhere along the way, seeing as she gradually
reveals her emotional side, calloused over after years of
being used by other boys. ***
Did Columbus and screenwriter Larry Doyle (who adapted
his own novel) actually believe that this movie could make
us care about her situation? When you willingly include
a scene in which tampons are used to stop a nosebleed, you
can’t believably pause to make a meaningful statement. You
definitely can’t hint at the possibility of a sweet teenage
romance. ***
Most importantly, you can’t begin a story with an act
of stupidity and then expect the audience to blindly accept
everything that happens afterwards. In all honesty, part
of me sided with Denis’ classmates – God knows I’d be mad
as hell if I was outed in front of everyone. There’s absolutely
nothing to be gained by pointing out someone’s eating disorder,
exposing the emotional turmoil raging within the school
bully, or encouraging your best friend to come out of the
closet. ***
I’m referring to Rich, who constantly quotes from movies
and has the uncanny ability to name the actor who said it,
the movie it was said in, and the year the movie was released.
If there’s one thing most people can’t stand, it’s when
someone goes through life as an unwanted human encyclopedia.
***
|
