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The Scorpion King - Widescreen Collector's Edition

To borrow a word from one of the many cheesy words that make up the dialogue of "The Scorpion King," this is, without a doubt, a "heartless" picture, one without a soul, a voice, or even good special effects to make up for a completely lousy, effortless display of left-over WCW body slams and senseless violence, all of which culminates in one of the most egregious and unbelievably atrocious climaxes ever to grace the silver screen. ***

I know, I know, this is only entertainment, right? But seriously, I ask you, how much entertainment can one person get out of watching a WCW wrestling star in a role spawned from a character in another film, a character who was only seen for a mere ten minutes in that film, five of which were nothing but an unbelievable computer-generated effect? None; my point exactly. ***

The film resurrects The Rock once again as the Scorpion King, in what I assume to be a preemptive saga to his role in "The Mummy Returns." In that film, he was a vicious, sword-swinging villain bent on exacting bloody justice all in the name of, well, his own selfish dreams of ruling vast landscapes. Now, he's a hero, the Robin Hood/Braveheart of ancient Egypt sent to rescue the lands from an evil conquerer bent on exacting bloody justice all in the name of... you get the picture by now, I'm sure. ***

The story takes place in a time before Noah's ark was ever conceived (I know this because Gomorrah is a featured city in the film), as an evil warlord, Memnon (Steven Brand), sweeps his enormous computer-generated armies across the lands surrounding his ever-growing territories, taking over all he sees, and ridding his lands of those he pleases. One evening, he makes the mistake of murdering Mathayus's (Scorpion King) brother in front of him; Mathayus, in turn, vows justice (can't you just hear the body slams?), picking up a small army along the way to aide him. ***

Not that he would need it anyway. The movie goes out of its way to make it known that The Scorpion King is undefeatable, whether with an army, or flying solo. The movie wears its WCW pedigree proudly on its sleeve, showing no regret in turning every single fight sequence into Wrestlemania for Dummies. Sound effects play a big role here: almost every swing of a sword is accompanied by the squishy, gurgling sound of blood and torn flesh, but to what purpose? Does it really do anything for the story? ***

As if the silly, simple plot weren't a big enough slap in the face to anyone who shelled out their hard-earned money for this dreck, the film also features everything from kung-fu Chinese fighters in one sequence (this is ancient Egypt, right?), a sudden tidal wave of sand compliments of "The Mummy," and a hard-rock soundtrack that exists solely to revolve around the supposed bravura of its main attraction: The Rock (his real name, if anyone cares, is Dwayne Johnson). Then there's the repressed sorceress, Cassandra (also looking rather oriental for an Egyptian-based film), who can see into the future; one almost wishes she would predict the outcome, thus saving us from sitting uncomfortably for what seems like an endless expanse of wasted time. ***

As for its cast, well, you be the judge. By the end, who can say if Johnson really has any acting ability? The film certainly never gives him a chance to show it, aside from some "witty" one-liners and sly smirks that do nothing to enhance our liking of the character or his listless charms. He is supplied with a quirky best bud-type comrad, played by Grant Heslov; the character is absolutely, uncompromisingly, aggravatingly annoying. There is little villain in Steven Brand, who does nothing but spout listless words as if they were threatening, and Kelly Hu... well, she's stuck in a big, fat cliche. ***

Add to this a score with a one-track mind, and the absence of it's initial creator, Stephen Sommers, who, at the very least, was able to instill a sense of fun in his "Mummy" franchise, and what you have is a formulaic, cliche-riddled action/adventure that practically screams "crowd-pleaser," though lacks the imagination to prove itself as such. "The Scorpion King" may find an audience in those who like their movies pre-chewed and half-baked, although this underdone cheese wagon doesn't even look as if it's been near an oven, much less a credible writer's pen or director's eye. Where's that pesky Imhotep when we really need him?

It's a lousy movie, yes, but it does have some very nicely rendered images and a killer sound design. The image is framed at 2.35:1, and it vividly captures all the detail of the film without so much as a grain of noise or shoddy clarity. Edges are razor-sharp, colors vibrant and glowing, the overall tan look of the picture captured with surprising resilience, and the darker scenes full of solid blacks and perfect shadow delineation. ***

The sound is equally impressive, mastered in Dolby 5.1, and making full use of the soundfield available. Surrounds are engaged throughout, and are rather aggressive at times, as is the deep bass, which isn't exactly system-threatening, but it comes close. I do wonder why the company chose not to include a DTS audio track... probably waiting for that Ultimate Edition release prior to the sequel (there's a nightmare for ya!).

The package here is pretty much everything we've come to expect from Universal Pictures, only jam-packed and more bloated than previous Collector's Editions. The first feature is dubbed an Enhanced Viewing Mode, which allows the viewer to access a variety of substitute sequences by clicking an icon during the movie. Not that these scenes provide any more or less interest in the piece as a whole than those which made the final cut; it's all pretty cheesy. What I don't get is the choice of the filmmakers to also include these scenes in a separate section; to me, it's the great art of DVD "fluffing," or making the special features out to be more than they actually are. Hey, at least they spared us the pain of a two-disc edition. ***

Following these features are a series of behind-the-scenes looks at the movie, beginning with the all-encompassing "Spotlight on Location." In it, we get the usual combination of backstage footage and interviews with various members of the cast and crew, all of whom discuss the movie in glowing terms. This is followed by featurettes covering everything from special effects and working with animals on the set, to the big finish and the collaboration of Michael Clarke Duncan and The Rock. Production design is also given some attention as well. Basically, it's all in what you want to see. ***

Then, as most Universal DVDs tend to do, we move on to the more bedraggled supplements, including the add-ons like cast and crew information and blah, blah, blah, to a Godsmack music video, some information on a possible real Scorpion King, and even a list of members of the "Scorpion King" movie club (darn, why didn't I join in time?). And just in case the WWE syndrome was beginning to wear off after the movie, there is also a hokey WWE Legends commercial to cap it all off. I've really only got one thing to say about this release: why not all this attention for something more exciting, like "Brotherhood of the Wolf?" Hello?

The first commentary with The Rock is also presented in an enhanced mode, which, when an icon is clicked, switches screens to show us a small inset of Dwayne Johnson discussing his favorite scenes. And, just in case we were paying too much attention to his expert words of wisdom and intricate details, the scene is then played back for us when the image reverts to normal playback mode. The discussion itself is hardly worth one's time: he rarely goes into detail about the project, only pausing to talk about the story as it's happening, but never going beyond that. ***

The second commentary with director Chuck Russell is much more interesting, if you're into the movie of course. He talks about his approach to the project, the incorporation of rock music, and how he wanted the look of the movie to reflect the charisma and bravura of his main attraction. No wonder the movie feels like one big WWE body slam.