| The
Review: |
"Thief
of Hearts" adheres to the formula known as the Idiot Plot,
in which the characters are confronted with problematic situations
where the answer is all but tattooed on their foreheads for
them, and they still have no inkling of a chance of showing
even the remotest sense of intelligence or logic. There are
several such instances and drawn-out sequences in Douglas
Day Stewart's writing/directing debacle, accompanied by characters
of absolutely no interest, who are portrayed by actors who
show no talent when it comes to convincing performances. ***
Take,
for instance, the opening series of events, in which a couple
of six years and counting goes out for dinner on their anniversary.
While they are away, their house is robbed of precious paintings
and valuable pieces of art. All of this happens so quickly
and without pause, that in its haste, the movie never stops
to think that maybe the audience might want a little back
story on the husband and wife duo before their lives begin
to reach a breaking point in later moments. They seem happy
enough: she smiles and nods whenever he says something, he
replies with the same gesture. I guess we're just supposed
to buy into the whole happily-married conceit without so much
as a passionate embrace, or even a tender peck on the cheek.
***
The wife,
Mickey (Barbara Williams), soon after notices that a small
locked box has also been lifted from their home, that which
contains her private journals. While husband Ray (Jon Getz)
dismisses her inclinations that someone is reading her journals
every minute of the day, she insists that something peculiar
is happening (while in the bathtub one night, she writes,
"I can feel him turning the pages"). The "him" in question
is hot-shot con artist/thief Scott (Steven Bauer), who, of
course, is reading the journals, and apparently takes a liking
to Mickey's soppy, saccharine, syrupy words of sexual proclivities
and fantasies about a life beyond her reach (you won't find
a more unintentional laugh fest than the reciting of the journal
entries by Williams in the mind's eye of Bauer's character).
***
Again,
we're led to assume that he has fallen into a deep, abysmal
obsession with this woman whose words he reads, and whose
painting he lusts over night after night, cigarette after
cigarette. But, the movie is in such a hurry to get to the
thriller nature of its premise that it loses foresight into
these characters, thus rendering further actions meaningless
and ill-fated, not to mention implausible and preposterous.
***
Consider
the manner in which Scott worms his way into Mickey's life,
beginning with the usual accidental bump-intos in the street,
which eventually work their way up to the business partnership
storyline where she is hired to help him with a financial
vexation. Here, the movie chooses to throw so many clues and
brick wall-scenarios right into Mickey's puppy-eyed face,
but common sense tells us that she is a complete, bumbling
idiot with no self esteem and an equal amount of thought-processing
capability, that which keeps her from realizing that the guy
she's been exacting natural instincts with isn't what she
originally thought he was. ***
I hate
it when characters exude one single characteristic throughout
an entire movie, that is, unless such traits are admirable,
or even serviceable. In "Thief of Hearts," the people who
populate the story are boring, listless, and stricken with
cliche. Steven Bauer is merely required to parade his chest
and abs around for show-and-tell, while David Caruso makes
an appearance as his crime partner who's supposed to be menacing,
and is anything but. The story needs a reason for Mickey to
have the affair, so it makes Jon Getz the ugliest, most disgusting-looking
husband character it can possibly afford. Not only that, but
he's also inattentive and ignorant of his wife's emotional
needs; gee, like that's never been done before. Why doesn't
Mickey just follow suit like everyone else and sleep with
his best friend? Oh, wait, that's because he's played by George
Wendt of television's "Cheers," and we all know what a sex
magnet he is.
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