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They

"This is getting ridiculous" exclaims one of the characters in "They," and damned if I didn't agree with her completely. In what is becoming a long line of failed horror films that bear the moniker "Wes Craven Presents," this most recent production fails not only as a horror film, but as a theatrical release. The lofty production values and eerie setting cannot mask the blatantly trashy acting and direct-to-video standards that make up this story about a group of twentysomethings who discover that their childhood nightmares may not have been nightmares at all, but a reality. That is so "Nightmare on Elm Street," I could vomit just rehashing the plot, but I'll risk it. ***

When grad school student Julie (Laura Regan) witnesses first-hand the suicide of an old friend, she is left with a simple warning: "They hide in the dark." But who's "they?" Could it be that the monsters that hide under the bed and in the closet were actually there, tagging their victims with sensors of a sort so as to reclaim them at a later date? That's precisely what Julie sets out to uncover as she becomes acquainted with others (Ethan Embry, Dagmara Dominczyk) who share similar experiences, those who one-by-one get knocked off the old-school way. Very old, actually. ***

Dumb? Doesn't even come close. Let's try another word: deplorable. Or how about abominable? Or maybe turgid? Tepid? Redundant? Absurd? Or just plain ridiculous, as the film so bluntly put it? It's a bad sign when characters in the horror genre try to contemplate their situation in intellectual terms; it's even worse when the actors lack the credibility to make it sound passably entertaining. Regan lacks any and all spark as an actress here, and her co-stars suffer a similar fate. Not once is there a moment where the cast is able to make us care, nor do the filmmakers have the know-how and the ability to keep our attention with an apparent less-is-more approach that only leaves us parched and unsatisfied. ***

And you could deal with that, if only- okay, I can deal with the occasional routine subplot, the inevitably bad acting, the easily-foreseen attempts to build up the suspense, but when a horror movie fails at its most basic and primal objective- to scare- that is simply something that cannot be tolerated. There is nothing within the confines of this grueling nightmare of an experience that even provides it audience with the slightest ounce of tension or unease: it's inability to generate any measurable thrills sets it apart from other schlock mongers like 2003's "Darkness Falls," which was equally trite but ultimately enjoyable because it cared enough to at least resort to the generic in order to please, if only marginally. "They" lacks the wisdom of those that came before it, and as a result quickly fades from memory.

The movie may be trash, but the transfer here is a gem. The film's 2.35:1 aspect ratio has been anamorphically enhanced and looks simply terrific here, awash with lots of atmospheric color saturation that is muted in some scenes and bursting in others. There is no bleeding apparent, and fleshtones remain accurate throughout. The dark appearance of the film makes room for lots of contrast errors, thankfully none of which can be found here, save for the occasional lapse in the otherwise great shadow detail. Edges are generally very good, with some places appearing somewhat soft; this might be a stylistic effect, but who's to say, really? (Now calling all twelve citizens who caught "They" in theaters!) There are some signs of enhancement halos, but aside from that, this is a nice-looking transfer that should please. ***

As is requisite for a horror movie, the sound is the real dazzler, with loads of slimy sound effects coming from all sides, and lots of big jumps on the soundtrack. The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio track faithfully recreates this mood with a clean-sounding presentation that makes full use of the entire soundfield. Surrounds are excellent throughout, and while the music does tend to have a forward lean to it, the effects of creatures and atmosphere are always present from behind. Dialogue sounds natural, and deep bass from the .1 LFE, although relatively less active than on other tracks of its kind, doesn't fail to engage. If sound is your fetish, this one should get the job done.